Effective Planning Is About What to Leave Out

posted by: John Jantsch

Mon Dec 19, 2011

Today my staff and I are taking the entire day to create a strategic plan for the coming year. The process, and its ongoing nature, is something I call Commitment Planning. This is a practice that I highly recommend, but perhaps not for the reason you may assume.

But first, the rules

• No one has a specific role today
• Let brainstorming be brainstorming – possibilities and ideas
• Be present
• Be judgmental tomorrow
• Remember, you are planning for the entire year

And, then my requirements

• Food and drink should be awesome
• Leave lots of time and space for physical movement
• Make it easy to capture everything

Lots of companies completely neglect the need for planning and some that do it consistently view it as a way to determine new things they want to address in the year ahead.

To me, the greatest benefit of any planning session is to decide what not to do.

There’s always more to do than you can possibly get done and what happens all too often is that we give a little attention to a lot of things and effectively water down what should be our priorities.

When we plan the right way, we look long and hard at what makes us money and (hopefully) find ways to focus on doing more of that better, rather than thinking up more of something to divert our attention.

I recently hired my own business coach and one of the first things we’re focused on is getting me to stop doing things that don’t make sense and start spending more concentrated time on my highest payoff activities.

This idea holds true for entire organizations as well and one of the best ways to get to the heart of what’s holding you back is planning.

The first planning principle you must embrace however, is that the goal of the process is to help you limit what you are going to do and do well. Instead of creating a laundry list of wants and dreams, your charge in the planning process is to create a very small list of objectives and goals grounded in the overriding purpose of the business. Everyone in the organization then must commit to this list. From your small list you can carve out a requisite number of strategies and tactics that support these business objectives.

In fact, your aim is to create a total plan outline that fills no more than one sheet of paper. (No 6pt type allowed.)

Note also that we’re not spending the day to make a business plan or create a marketing plan – plans aren’t the secret, planning is. It’s the continuous process of planning, acting, measuring and planning that moves the organization in the direction of its goals.

Using and teaching a continuous planning process like this is one of the ways you empower your staff to know they are taking right action on the most important things at all times and knowing this brings a confidence that in itself is a commitment generator.

Commitment planning is a management style that frees your people to be creative instead of forcing them to be bound by a process only system driven activity.

Planning is not a one-day event or even year-end activity. Sure, there may be certain time bound planning periods that occur naturally, say at the end of a quarter, but the real way to keep commitment alive is to live it through a creative process that allows everyone to focus on the things that matter most.

Ben McConnell, coauthor of the Church of the Customer Blog and principal of management consulting firm Ant’s Eye View, has written about a planning process he calls OGST (Objectives, Goals, Strategies and Tactics.)

What I love about McConnell’s framework is that he uses each of these planning words in ways so simple as to actually create a useful set of definitions for these ridiculously misused terms.

Go get this visual representation of OGST and I think you’ll see what I mean.

As you can see, a planning process like this can help the kind of simple clarity that is so often missing in the “what should we do next” business management style. We borrow heavily from McConnell’s framework add some of our own magic to help put the focus on results and bust through constraints.

No matter what exact process you use for planning, with a one page plan full of your committed priorities in hand you can analyze any idea in about two seconds and determine if you should pursue it or dismiss it. Focusing on your strengths and finding ways to turn them into even greater assets is how individuals and organizations realize their potential.

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Strengths-Based Teamwork

Successful business ventures often rely on the communication savvy of everyone involved in the deal. Relying on one person to lead or motivate a group leads to: reduced functionality if that person is absent, a stressful environment, unhealthy communication patterns, and increased conflicts. We all come from different backgrounds and families. What’s amazing is how we come together as a team to produce finished products. Here are 3 ways you can set yourself and your team up for success. They all involve self-reflection, greater self-awareness, and implementation of new skills based on both your and others’communication strengths.

1. 1.       Use DISC Profiling to Rephrase Your Wants

DISC is an inventory that is taken specifically with the work environment in mind. It identifies your adapted behavior in the workplace, as well as your natural style. Bringing in someone to facilitate taking the DISC profile and interpreting the results with your team adds value to how well your team interacts with one another.

One of the fun things I did at the last corporate DISC training was to ask each participant what their pet peeve was (instead of what words to avoid or not to use) in regards to how other’s communicate with them. We also spent a great deal of time on what does work for each participant. We collated everyone’s results in a table for easy reference back in the office. During team training that teaches you communication skills, you learn more than just tendencies or preferences, you get to implement the knowledge right away, which ensures that you retain this information for later use.

It is critical to know that the greater awareness you have of your style and how to adapt how you communicate with others in the group based on their style is what sets you and your team apart from other groups operating by chance alone. Doing DISC as a group allows everyone to see patterns and how objectively to make changes in the way they speak and interact so the strengths of all team members are utilized rather than just the more extroverted or dominant communication and personality styles.

1. 2.       Understand Gender Communication Differences

While DISC identifies your adapted and natural communication styles, going one step further to understand how men and women prefer to communicate leads to even greater results.

• Men tend to use communication to solve problems.
• Women tend to use communication to connect.

For example, at work—a woman’s natural inclination to take into account how a decision affects all parties involved both short and long term. Calling on this strength during a sale or when weighing options ensures greater logistical planning than a more single-minded approach. Calling on a man’s inclination to either solve a dilemma, or shelve for later is helpful in keeping negotiations focused with the end in sight.

Mars Venus Coaches in your area can facilitate DISC trainings for your organization and offer free Stress Management Seminars and workshops geared to getting what you want at work and gender differences in selling and buying. If you’re pressed for time you can also read the following online articles or take aneWorkshop too!

1. 3.       Practice Conflict Resolution Skills

It is critical to know that under stress, we tend to do two things:

• We revert to our natural DISC style—graph II, not our adapted DISC style—graph I. This is because under stress it is harder to mask our natural preferences for communicating.
• We become more like our gender, because of our physiology and the way blood flows in our brains according to our sex.

Therefore, utilizing an objective observer or a facilitator that interprets how you work as a team is more helpful, then just reading about it or studying these skills alone.

The following are the 3 steps to conflict resolution and what primary DISC gravitates to each of the steps.

1. CREATE SPACE. S’s bring all views, ideas and opinions into dialogue.

-Change location to a neutral place

-Use active listening to explore rather than condemn opposing views

-Take breaks often to cool off during negotiations

2. ADD VALUE. C/I’snaturally use their skills to add value and make sure all voices are heard.

-Cs (Ts) add value by generating logical alternativesto the conflict issues

-Is (Fs) add value by creating options for growthfor all parties so no one leaves feeling empty handed

3. SEEK CLOSURE. D’s ensure an end result.

-agree on decision principles before making decisions (i.e. equal input)

-take one step at a time and define the steps

-once steps are outlined and decided upon, close the book on conflict

The bottom line is to turn what you learn into translatable skills. Learning communication and resiliency skills that focus on your strengths enable you to stay present in the moment. When you are able to operate continually from this place of presence, then you will find there are no fights, conflicts will decrease, and both your productivity and efficiency will improve. If your entire team can identify what best works for them and how to adapt to other people’s preferences, then the climate and culture at work will cease to feel like “work,” and more like play—just like it felt as a kid on the playground at recess playing kickball.

Lyndsay Katauskas, MEd

Mars Venus Coaching

Corporate Media Relations

 

Simple Tips for Women when dealing with men in business

1. 1.      Promote yourself

 

1. 2.     Avoid tag endings

 

1. 3.     Be direct and concise

 

1. 4.     Don’t take male comments so personally

 

1. 5.     Make acknowledgements direct and simple

 

 

SIMPLE TIPS FOR MEN WHEN DEALING WITH WOMEN IN BUSINESS

 

 

1. 1.      Build rapport

 

1. 2.     Avoid monopolising conversations

 

1. 3.     Respect her abilities

 

1. 4.     Don’t lecture

 

1. 5.     Be specific with praise

 

To Manage Martians: DO
Do allow them to work on their own
Do motivate them by appealing to their ability to get the job done- the hero factor
Do praise and reinforce them by appreciating the TASKS
Do manage their stress by allowing ‘cave time’ and /or simple and quick criteria for what needs to be corrected.
Do act as if you trust he will succeed

To Manage Martians: DON”T

Don’t offer unsolicited or too much advice/help
Don’t focus too much on fleshing out all of the potential problems of a situation
Don’t manage stress by asking him to talk about it
Don’t act as if you do not trust he will succeed

To Manage Venusians: DO
Do allow for more collaborative work
Do motivate by appealing to ability to help the group
Do praise and reinforce by emphasizing importance to group/organization
Do manage stress by listening
Do pay attention and positively comment on the ‘little things’ she does.
Do build rapport by asking appropriate non-work related questions

To Manage Venusians: DON’T

Don’t solve problems too quickly (listen first)
Don’t focus exclusively on Tasks and ignore the relationship
Don’t wait for Venusians to bring up problems-ask about their concerns
Don’t withhold positive feedback

 

The ultimate guide to parenting is now available as a workshop!

Children Are from Heaven was written by the top expert on loving relationships, John Gray, the author of the phenomenal bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. He now turns his caring wisdom to one of the most powerful and profound relationships in people’s lives – the bond between parent and child. Dr. Gray had created a workshop to be taught by his personally trained instructors.

This workshop will teach you:

• Why it’s Okay for Children to be Different
• How to Help Your Children Express Their True Selves
• The Five Messages and Five Skills of Positive Parenting
• How to Motivate Children without Punishment
• How to Help Children Feel Great about Themselves

Geared to parents of children from birth through the teens, this invaluable new workshop will show parents how to help their children become strong, confident, morally sound adults by focusing on self-esteem and responsibility.

 

Pauline Neville-Jones: ‘Some say I didn’t make it easy on myself’

The former security minister talks about the difficulties of having been a woman in the ultra-macho defense world – but says things are now changing.  “Service should be colour-blind, and gender-blind,” she says.

Baroness Pauline Neville-Jones always chooses her words with care. It is a trait of hers, and one that became a hallmark in a career that has taken her to the highest levels of the diplomatic service, overseeing MI5 and MI6, and as a security minister in government.

Looking back on this time in the highest echelons of Whitehall, she can speak a little more bluntly than perhaps she used to about the hurdles she faced as a woman making her way in what was – and to a certain extent remains – a man’s world.

“We were second-class citizens, really,” she says. “There were quite a lot of things that women were considered unsuitable for.”

Neville-Jones is referring specifically to her early days in the Foreign Office and the rules, both institutional and otherwise, that were designed to make life difficult for women seeking a career as a diplomat. She can laugh about them now, but at the time … “There was the bar on marriage. That lasted until the mid-1970s. The situation was that you had to resign if you got engaged, if you were a woman that is.”

She recalls that official uniforms, or rather the lack of them, was another divisive issue.

“Women diplomats didn’t have them. This was said to raise serious problems in certain countries with monarchies because it was thought that women couldn’t possibly go to formal ceremonies without one. The men had them, though they were not often worn, but not the women.

“There was some talk about creating an official evening dress with oak leaves. That came to nothing, luckily. It was a sign of the times, part of a forgotten world. Some heads of ministry wouldn’t even have women on their staff.”

That era has passed, though Neville-Jones may be reliving some of these moments this week, when she appears as one of the main speakers at a conference starting tomorrow at the Royal United Services Institute think-tank in London.

The two-day event is the first of its kind to bring together women from across the world who have forged careers in defense and security; sharing the platform will be an admiral from the US Navy, a brigadier from the Israeli Defense Force, and the secretary general of the Spanish Intelligence Agency.

In all, more than 30 women will discuss the jobs they do, the difficulties they have had to overcome, and offer advice to others embarking on similar journeys. Neville-Jones may have come further than any of them during her 50-year career.

A grammar-school girl from Leeds, she read history at Oxford University before deciding to test the thickness of the glass ceiling within the civil service.

It was 1961, and it had been impenetrable. “There were two women in my year out of a class of 20, but in other years there were none at all. So we were in a minority, there were very few of us around.”

For obvious reasons, it seems. The decade may have been swinging for some women, but the winds of change hadn’t blown very far into Whitehall when Neville-Jones started. Was there sexism in the service at the time?

“I do think that, yes. I think that climbing the tree was harder. Women were examined and criticised for things that men were not criticised for. The women certainly believed that to make average progress, they had to be rather better than average.

“I think some women believed that they would not be able to overcome this. They underrated their potential, and if you do that, then the system will underrate you too.”

Some decisions appear to grate even now. “I had been in Singapore for a period and wanted to know if I could learn Chinese. I got a very short note saying ‘no’. I was convinced this was because I was a woman. I think they thought there was no point putting in that investment, particularly with languages. The attitude was, ‘We are not going to train women who are going to leave.’ And they would never think of putting a woman in the Middle East.”

A thick skin has been one of the secrets of her longevity, and it is something she believes all women have to develop if they are to challenge the status quo.

“I am sure that there were [incidents of sexism]. But I am not one to dwell on difficulties or be thrown by slights. I can recall swallowing hard sometimes. One thing I do remember is the way some men would stand in front of you, and be talking to each other about you, as if you weren’t there.”

The Equal Opportunities Act in 1976, she says, “changed the game”, and she believes she was fortunate with the jobs she was appointed to. She also excelled in them.

They included a senior post at the British embassy in Washington, and then a move to Brussels where she was Chef de Cabinet to the Budget Commissioner, Christopher Tugendhat.

This was obviously a nightmare of a job; it was during the period when Mrs Thatcher was handbagging other European leaders, thumping tables and demanding her money back. Neville-Jones was caught in the middle – for five long years. “That was quite hard to navigate,” she says. “We were constantly under pressure.”

Understatement may be her preferred way of describing events, but there are certain issues about which she is more robust. One is that she never used gender as a weapon to get her own way, nor did she turn alpha male to survive.

“I was certainly never conscious of ‘playing the woman’. I would not have approved of that. It is not a winning tactic. I operated in the world as I found it, and it was a man’s world.”

That world increasingly included working with the armed forces, and then the intelligence services – she was chair of the Joint Intelligence Committee in 1993 and 1994.

Dame Stella Rimington was head of MI5 at the time, the first woman to head the security service, and the two got on well.

And she didn’t find the generals as difficult as she might. “The thing about the military,” she says, “is that they are always very courteous.”

Neville-Jones has remained friends with Rimington, though they never had a chance to share their experiences properly back then.

She also knows Eliza Manningham-Buller, who became the second woman to run MI5. All three were pioneers in their own way, but Neville-Jones accepts that their success has, perhaps, masked the difficulties other women have had underneath them.

She believes the latest generation of women entering Whitehall are “pretty level pegging” with the men, but in the intermediate generation some women are struggling to push through. “It will happen. The process is under way but because of the nature of these things, it will not change overnight.”

Women, she says, have to learn some of the tricks that have given men such an advantage. “We are not the greatest networkers, and particular networks begin at school. Women tend to break the network of friends they make, but it is a habit that men have learned. It is an approach to life that involves planning almost without thinking about it. And men sustain this. I came from a northern grammar school. I had a good education, but I didn’t have a good network.”

Careers where there are formal systems of assessment also help women, she believes. That is why, for all the difficulties she encountered, Neville-Jones says the public sector is now a better bet than the private sector for the ambitious.

“When I first left university, I thought about going into the private sector. But I discovered when I went to interview that I could only have a career in the back office, or doing HR. The attitude was, “My dear lady, you cannot possibly think about going on the board.”

“I believe women profit from merit and performance assessments which exist in the public sector. But this culture is much less strong in the commercial world. I think there is a huge waste of talent in the private sector.”

Inevitably, there have been sacrifices along the way. Neville-Jones doesn’t speak with rancour or bitterness about any of her experiences, but there is, I sense, just a hint of regret when she talks about her private life.

She says she never made a conscious decision not to marry, it just happened that way. She admits there were circumstances in which she would have liked to have someone alongside her, if only to have helped out at the merry-go-round of drinks and dinner parties she hosted on her own.

“Some people say that I didn’t make it easy on myself. There are prices one pays, but I was not going to give up something that I enjoyed doing. I suppose that official entertaining was harder without a partner to shoulder the burden. As a man, it would have been easier for me to get married. But I had demanding jobs. I undoubtedly made it difficult for myself.”

She adds: “And I hope I have never held back other women. I hope I have not been guilty of that because I have always tried to protect them. I was aware of their situations. I know some women did manage to pull off the very difficult trick of having a successful career and a family. It can be done.”

Neville-Jones doesn’t like to generalize, but she believes women have innate skills that make them good at the kind of intelligence jobs she has done well in. “I do think that women are good at detail. The average woman is better than the average man in this respect, and detail is important in security – it is primordial.

“You cannot do it properly unless you are capable of recognising everything that is relevant. You have to get right down in there. “Women are better at getting in among the weeds, maybe partly because women accept that weeds are part of life. Men try to get away from them.”

And her advice to women starting out? Learn to deal with the mess, work hard, and come up with the occasional big idea. “Do what you want to do. Follow your instincts. Even if you have difficulties, don’t accept second best. Ever.”

‘I denied my female traits’: life in the US Navy in the 1970s

Vice Admiral Carol Pottenger hesitates before telling a story about her rise through the US Navy. In 1977, she was one of the first women selected for sea duty. This involved joining the crew of the USS Yosemite for deployment in the Mediterranean. She had prepared for the reaction of the other sailors, but not of their families, some of whom took a dim view of the women’s presence on board.

That unhappiness became all too clear when the crew returned to port months later to see banners: “Welcome Home Yosemite – Men.”

Pottenger has been pushing back the boundaries ever since, and is now one of the US Navy’s senior officers, who has served in Iraq and won the distinguished service medal.

Pottenger says the US Navy has come a long way since the days when women were only assigned to ships “that were welded to port or in decay”.

She admits that during most of her early career, she “was careful to … deny my female traits“. “This was the way to prosper in a male-dominated organisation. You don’t want to stand out, you don’t want to be someone who brings tension to the mission. You want to adapt, to fit in smoothly.”

Now, she feels she can be more herself. “Being a woman is part of who you are. I might have denied that early on, but now I have the confidence not to care whether this is an issue.”

Pottenger now mentors other women. “It is really important for women to look up and see other women being successful. When I was in that position, all I wanted to do was blend in and be one of the guys.”

 

Pauline Neville-Jones: ‘I hope I have never held back other women’ Photograph: Andrew Parsons/ZUMAPRESS.com

 

Why Women Prefer Influence Over Power

By Joanne Cleaver | September 29, 2010

Since 1981, Joanne Cleaver has been reporting on all aspects of business for national and regional newspapers, magazines and websites. Numerous magazine and industry “best employers for women” lists use the equity index she developed to rank companies according to the presence (or not) of women in their executive ranks. She also leads the research firm Wilson-Taylor Associates, Inc., where her team measures and supports the advancement of women in accounting, cable, finance and other industries. Yes, she has an opinion: that when women fully engage in all business operations, companies will make more money in more ways.

Why don’t women want to embrace the P word?

That’s P as in ‘power.’ Men don’t have that problem. They love it, which explains the entire Gordon Gekko franchise.

When consultant Maddy Dychtwald started looking at the r influenceising economic power of women, she wasn’t surprised to detect their aversion to the ‘P’ word and corresponding affection for the ‘I’ word: influence. That’s why she named her book “Influence: How Womens Soaring Economic Power Will Transform Our World for the Better” (Hyperion, May 2010).

But she thinks that women are in the process of redefining influence and power, precisely because they are becoming more comfortable with their power. Power is about “owning, individually, and taking control. Influence is about taking that power and running it out all over the place,” she told me in a recent interview. “The three stages of economic power are survival, self-sufficiency, and influence with corporations and politicians. That’s the next step women will take.”

This year, with women becoming fully half the workforce, we’ve reached a tipping point; despite spotty traction in getting to parity in management,  Dychtwald thinks that the long-quantified “three women” dynamic on boards will catalyze womens’ widespread rise to senior positions. The “three women” dynamic is that one woman on a board (typically a group of 12 to 15) is a token. Two women often spark conflict, but when there are three or more women, collaboration breaks out and women substantively affect group dynamics and decisions.

Simply by being aware of that dynamic women can leverage it, she adds: “Use your influence not just for your own career, but for those around you and for your company and its direction.”

 

Overwhelmed Seeking Control

Our pace today often leaves us more stressed out; despite technology touting that it will make our lives more effective, productive, or manageable. When we cannot employ the K.I.S.S. (Keep It Simple Silly) method to control the clutter in our office and house or the non-stop chatter in our heads, what can we do? To take back control we have to take responsibility for our thoughts, emotions, and actions. Here is one thing you can start doing today, regardless of the economy and everyone else’s agendas to take control of your stress.

 

What’s something I can do to feel in control and not feel rushed?

Start your day like you intend to end your day. Men need to produce more of their stress-reducing hormone, testosterone; and women need to produce more of their stress-reducing hormone, oxytocin, to feel less rushed. In doing stress-reducing activities for a few minutes several times throughout the day you help your body to excrete stress-producing hormones like cortisol. The excess cortisol in our bodies is partly why we feel the constant need to do things and keeping adding to our to-do lists. Make a pledge to yourself to do a stress-reducing activity: upon waking, mid-day, before going to sleep.

An oxytocin producing activity for women includes: any activity that makes you feel connected and nurturing either to you or for others.

-Scented bubble bath

-Giving yourself a facial

-Cuddling with your pet, partner, kids

-Enjoying the sun rise/set with a warm drink

-Reading a “fun” book

A testosterone producing activity for men includes: any activity that allows your mind and/or muscles rest or re-group.

-Sitting and daydreaming

-Watching the news

-Checking sports scores

-Reading for enjoyment

-Doing a little bit on your hobby

Waking up this morning I smile twenty-four new hours are before me I vow to live fully in each moment and to look at all beings with eyes of compassion. –Thich Nhat Hanh

Before you engage in the day, wake up and do something for 5-10 minutes that allows you to start your day off on the right foot by doing something for only you. The only thing we can really control is ourselves. If we find that we feel rushed, overwhelmed, unsupported, unimportant, alone, or ignored throughout the day, then the way we feel less like this is to do something counter to this feeling. It’s not just thinking positive, but doing an action which evokes positive emotions.

The key is to do stress-reducing activities throughout the day so you do not deplete your testosterone/oxytocin stores as you deal with chronic, daily stressors. Once you are mindful and practicing this throughout the day, your exhaustion will lift, the negative chatter in your head will lessen, and you’ll feel lighter; instead of like you’re barely able to keep your head above the waterline while you’re treading water. There’s nothing wrong with becoming accustomed to arresting busyness for the sake of peace. Namaste~

Lyndsay Katauskas, MEd

Mars Venus Coaching

Corporate Media Relations

How Do You Define Success?

Every individual has a different definition of success. As you go through the coaching process of identifying what your goals are and how you would go about achieving them in a step-by-step manner you often find that your desire or yearning brings you closer to the talents you were innately born. When you begin to peel back the layers of dissatisfaction, much like you would when peeling back the rough, dirty exterior of a vidalia onion—you will see there is a fresh sweetness to your inner passions and purpose for life. You work past and through your fears to a state of living where there is a balance of work and play. Stress levels go down, you embody Joie de Vivre, and your excitement for life is contagious again.

There comes a point in a coaching relationship where your coach may ask if the goals you are setting for yourself are ego-driven or something deeper. When your goals are tied into fulfilling your passions they are generally linked in to how you can use your talents to contribute back to the communities that are important to you in your life. Ask yourself:

• What really interests me?
• What do I get fired up about when I see injustices being done?
• What lessons have I learned from my setbacks?
• When I thought I was going in one direction and that door closed—what door opened?
• If I had all the time in the world, what would I like to do best with and for other people?

When people make shallow goals they often find dissatisfaction and resistance to obtaining what they think they need or want. A more well-rounded way to establish successful goals is to tie those goals to our gifts, talents, and abilities. It is then our lives become fulfilled and purpose-driven, because we are connected into building up a community that is more than just our petty wants or materialistic desires.

“Comparison is the enemy of contentment.” –Kenneth Boa

Materialistic goals are typically ego-driven. A good coach will help you identify how to divorce your desire from your ego, so that when you are setting up your 90-Day Action Plans to achieve your goals—the goals are coming from a genuine place of fulfilling the vision you have of yourself at your very best potential. As you pull out what you will be doing on a daily basis that will enable you to share your talents today…you just may find that your definition of success is clarified.

Even if you have set quantitative and monetary aims, instead of the goals being driven by pride, self-aggrandizement, or recognition, they will be focused on how your strengths will be giving back and connecting you in to make the world you live in a better place. You will then turn from the fear and resistance your ego has been throwing up to hinder you from achieving your absolute potential. Instead, your actions and decisions will be coming from your genuine self. It is in this reframing of how you are living your life, you will find that success has always been here as long as you spend most of your day in the activities that are your talents to share.

Lyndsay Katauskas, MEd

Mars Venus Coaching

Corporate Media Relations

Gender Negotiation Communication Style Differences: Women

Interesting Article about Gender Differences…Compare and Contrast with similar theories by John Gray, Ph.D. Also read the article here http://www.negotiations.com/articles/gender-bender/

Little did we know that the communication differences we experienced as children on the playground would move from the classroom to the boardroom. As the face of business transforms with more women occupying key management positions, the requirement of reducing the gender communication gap is growing: miscommunication can cost money, opportunities, and jobs.

Statistics tell the story. In the USA, women compose half the professional managerial workforce. Half the students who earned college degrees last year were composed of women. Of those who have a personal net worth of more than $500,000, more than half are women. American women collectively earn more than $1 trillion a year. More than 7.7 million women-owned businesses in the U.S. generate $1.4 trillion a year. Women comprise 35 percent of the country’s 51 million shareholders.

Researchers in the 1970s predicted the disappearance of gender communication differences as women moved into higher management positions, the gap or “disconnection” remains.

Question: Where does this lack of awareness surface most often?

Answer: In organizations where one gender mainly sells to buyers of the same gender. Take stock brokers for example.

For years, male stock brokers have been selling mostly to other males – their comfort zone. Another example is the residential real estate industry where female agents dominate the scene. A third example is the health-care industry. In fact the potential for gender communication gaps are widest in those organizations where one gender takes up most of the senior executive positions.

As the traditional picture changes and both men and women must communicate in teams, manage, and sell to the other gender, their awareness grows. Yet the result is often frustration. In other words, they both experience the problem but don’t know where to begin to expand their repertoire of communication skills.

Professionals and companies that create cultures which encourages both genders in their career paths, recognizing the accomplishments and contributions of both men and women, will be the most productive and satisfied. And that will be the competitive advantage at the turn of the century. Neither men nor women are better communicators. They’re just different. We must learn to recognize these general differences in the way the two genders communicate and be more effective with the other half of the business community.

Questions. As females grow up in our culture, they are taught not to be confrontational, not to make a scene or be aggressive or pushy. So how do they express opposition to an idea? Frequently they use indirect channels such as questions. They, of course, also use questions in the traditional way: to solicit information to make people rethink their positions, plans, or ideas.

Men, on the other hand, do not always recognize indirect messages or pick up on nuances in words or body language. In short, they don’t always accurately “read between the lines”; to understand a woman’s meaning or question.

The results:

1. Women ask questions meant as indirect objections, men appear to ignore their objections and feelings.
2. Women ask questions meant only to solicit information to which men react defensively. Directness. Women’s language tends to be indirect, indiscreet, tactful, and even manipulative. Women tend to give fewer directives and use more courtesy words with those directives. Example: “The approach is not precisely foreign to our designers”; meaning “They are familiar with it.”; Or “Mary may not be available to handle the project” meaning “Mary doesn’t want to handle the project.”

Men’s language tends to be more direct, powerful, blunt, and at times offensive. Men generally give more directives, with fewer courtesy words. Example: “Tom blew the deal with that client because of his stubborn refusal to negotiate on the delivery.” Or “That’s a half-baked idea if I ever heard one. You’re dead wrong.”

When a female manager asks a male employee, “Do you think you can have the proposal ready by Friday?” and he responds affirmatively, she expects the report on Friday. When Friday comes and the proposal isn’t ready, the (female) manager looks at the situation as failure to comply with her directive while the (male) employee “just wasn’t able to get around to it.”

Small talk: women talk to build rapport with others, and to explore their own feelings and opinions. Consequently, they consider many subjects worthy of conversation. They often talk about personal topics such as relationships, people, and experiences. To women, an important component of conversation is simply “connecting” emotionally with another person.

Men tend to regard conversation as a means of exchanging information or solving problems. They discuss events, facts, happenings in the news, sports, or generally those topics not directly related to themselves. Other subjects about “routine” matters may, in men’s estimation, not warrant conversational effort.

Whether in sales, management, or marriage, awareness of gender differences in communication can prove a boon to your success in working with teams, managing groups, or presenting your services or products.

Dianna Booher, is CEO of Booher Consultants, a Dallas-based communications consulting firm.

 

How to Overcome Emotional Abuse from Gaslighting

This week I came across Yashar Ali’s insightful article: Message to Women From a Man: You Are Not “Crazy” featured on The Huffington Post from The Current Conscience blog. He describes how men and women alike tend to gaslight women due to the culture we grow up in and not knowing a more productive way of respectful communication.

Gaslighting is a term that mental health professionals use to explain a form of psychological abuse where untrue information is intentionally said or done to make a victim doubt her or his own memory and perception of what happened. It is as simple as an abuser denying any previous abusive episodes have occurred, or an abuser can intentionally stage peculiar events to disorient his or her victim. This occurs daily in our interactions with women when we deem them overly sensitive, emotional, or crazy—both at work and at home.

The term comes from a 1938 play called Gas Light, and it’s 1940 and 1944 film adaptations where the husband uses various forms of trickery including turning gas lights lower than normal to convince his spouse she is crazy. The term became a colloquial expression, and was then used in clinical and research literature. Yashar Ali’s interpretation brings to light the cultural dynamic that our social mores today still allow this type of emotional abuse to occur, predominantly with women.

As I commented on other blogs this week I noticed the cultural dynamic to devalue women and their emotional intelligence. We are still trying to fit women into the mold of how men work and operate, and it is not working. Rebecca Knight on Financial Times also recently wrote about how social identity plays a factor in helping women rise through the ranks at work. Amy Levine-Epstein on CBS News also commented on how a recent study on women finds a drop in ambition, which is also wider evidence of a trend going on right now of the need for a cultural shift to take place within our society empowering women to own their emotions and ability to be flexible…and use them as a strength in both their personal and professional lives.

A woman’s brain is built differently than a man’s. There is more connective tissue between the left and right side of the brain, allowing more cross-talk between the two brain hemispheres. fMRIs show under stress blood is more evenly distributed across the brain allowing women to make decisions using both logic (left side) and creativity/emotions (right side). This is a strength, but in our culture it is often “gaslighted.” When men are under stress blood flow in a male brain increases in the left orbital frontal cortex suggesting a fight or flight response. If the problem cannot be solved logically right now, then men will tend to put off/forget about it until their cortisol levels begin to lower and they think more clearly. How men and women produce their stress-reducing hormones (testosterone for men and oxytocin for women) is also different.

My masters is in counseling. From experience I see the most success with clients when we empower them to change from passive/aggressive/passive-aggressive communication styles to becoming more assertive by teaching resiliency & life skills (proactive take on the unlearning bad habits/beliefs). So I often have people identify which of the 12 listening blocks they use so they become more aware of when they tune the other person out so they can bring themselves back to the present moment.

The quickest way to become more assertive is to take back control & responsibility for staying present in conversations. When we shut down & daydream or talk to ourselves while others talk, we take away our choice to respond back in a respectful manner right then & there. If a woman has been “rendered emotionally mute,” this would enable her to identify when gaslighting is taking place, as it is taking place—so she could then respond/interpret the situation objectively. Assertive communication relies on treating yourself & others with respect.

I tend to agree with Hilde Lindemann Nelson who published Damaged Identities, Narrative Repair with Cornell University in early 2001 that a woman’s ability to resist gaslighting depends on “her ability to trust her own judgments.” By narrating a counter-story (the real events/true information), women that have been gaslighted may be able to retain their autonomy and come to objectively see the psychological abuse for what it is so they can re-establish their concept of self and heal from the exploitation.

This is why understanding listening blocks, and then building upon this awareness with assertive communication skills will help a woman who has and is being gaslighted to identify the unhealthy relationship dynamic. She can then choose safety, to leave, address the situation with appropriate authorities if necessary, and seek professional help. If there are multiple forms of abuse, seeking therapy rather than coaching (skill-based and focused on present/future outcomes) may be more appropriate.

Using a coach who helps you identify assertive communication, gender intelligence, and emotional intelligence will open doors to new skill sets that can help both the victim and abuser to divorce themselves from co-dependent relationships so they can pursue functional, healthy relationships.

Likewise, if someone—either man or woman—is gaslighting they can become more aware of their misconstruction of reality by learning how gaslighting inhibits them from obtaining genuine or true intimacy. They can do this by learning what listening blocks are and how their sociopathic behavior limits them from receiving acceptance, appreciation, respect, and unconditional love if they continue with this form of psychological abuse. They can then work from there to acquire the necessary skill sets to change to healthier relationship behaviors.

Lyndsay Katauskas, MEd

Mars Venus Coaching

Corporate Media Relations

Finding Success in Failure

The key to life is resiliency. Our ability to dust our knees off, figure out how we fell, and how we can prevent ourselves from falling over that exact same log again is part of the equation. The other part is being able to analyze how we ended up with a different result than we intended, and how to grow from this learning opportunity.

“It takes sixty-five thousand errors before you are qualified to make a rocket.”

–Werhner von Braun

As I found the two quotes for this article, I had to struggle with whether or not I even saw setbacks as failures. Part of my resistance is because I chose early in life to see everything as a growth opportunity. When I’d fall off my bike, I’d get back on. Lesson: don’t ride head-on into a curb it will rise to meet you. As a military child, I’d notice if I was a little too introverted at one school, then when we’d move to another school and I’d put my fears aside and work at being more extroverted. As a result I was class president one year, vice president the next, varsity lettered in 4 sports, and bounced through 4 high schools, became a U.S. Naval Academy graduate, and then a Marine Corps officer. I survived 25 plus moves and we’re still counting the moves for my husband’s military career.  That’s why when I say the key to life is resiliency, I say this because we are always growing and changing. Change is our only constant reality. Regardless if you live in the same place your whole life, or move around and start over each move like me—the satisfaction, zest for life, success, and joy in life is in embracing this constant state of change and renewal.

If you are having trouble finding committed relationships or in pursuing a goal to completion. We’ve all been there. The way you move through and past whatever fear block you’ve thrown in your way is to learn new skills and then try them out. You won’t know if they work until you use them and see for yourself if it works for you.

“Any many can make mistakes, but only an idiot persists in his error.”

–Marcus Tullius Cicero

The only way to cope better with the downs (and ups) is to increase our resiliency skills. This is done through:

(1)     Learning more assertive communication,

(2)    Being able to use emotions as an intuitive tool to indicate when you or someone else is out of sync with harmony, and

(3)    Understanding another’s point of view through gender intelligence.

Along the way you pick up more insight and awareness to what really matters to you, what you’re passionate about, and how you can align yourself with people and places that will enable you to realize your dreams.

If you are stuck making the same mistakes the way you learn is by seeking out new interpretations and answers. By allowing yourself to be vulnerable you let in the possibility of others helping you grow. In letting new ideas and people into your life you gain a new way or friend that arms you for the next setback. Leaning temporarily on others who have the knowledge, experience, and compassion can spur your growth faster than going it alone. Coaches in this way are phenomenal, because they are right there with you and your fear. Learning how to work past the resistance to try again or try something new is a beautiful journey with success as part of the process.

What is so exciting about rising from failure is that over time, as you learn how to grow from setbacks; you learn that as one door is closing, another will always be opening. And the quicker you see a door closing and embrace the closure instead of resisting it, there is less pain, the setback can be more objectively seen as a growth opportunity (and not an attack on you or your ego). This always leads to a better reinvention of you and how you are able to connect and respond more intimately with all those people and things you care about.  Success is yours if you are willing to embrace and grow from what’s holding you back from experiencing your absolute potential.

Lyndsay Katauskas, MEd

Mars Venus Coaching

Corporate Media Relations

 

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