We’re all pressed for time. Whether it is due to our jobs, raising a family, or both—many couples find themselves dropping into bed at the end of the day. Often, one partner is ready and hoping for sex, while the other partner is not interested, trying to get interested, but too tired, or already asleep. So who says you can’t wake your partner up for a quickie? Did you know that men’s testosterone peaks in the morning? One small aspect of a thriving sex life, are quickies where one partner or both may or may not orgasm in a short amount of time. Today Mars Venus will focus on the art of quickies.
Sometimes the word “quickie” is a turn-off. However, Mars Venus believes, if you incorporate short bursts of sex into your sex life, then you can increase how often you make love. In order for this to work, you also have to incorporate home-cooked sex where you both pleasure each other during foreplay and let things simmer for as long as you’d like AND plan romantic sex where you use candles, dimmed lights, massage oil, flowers, dinner and the works.
Martians fear being turned down. In order for men to continue to feel passionate towards and attracted to their partner, they need to know they will not be rejected.
Agreeing to always say yes is one way to breed satisfaction in both partners.
For women it takes longer to be sexually aroused. When you both agree to always say yes then it alleviates some of this pressure for women to perform to orgasm too. And, part of the reason why a woman turn down men, is knowing it may take a really long time or she may not orgasm at all, because she’s distracted, too tired, not in the mood, or stressed out.
By agreeing to have sex, even if it’s only for a quickie, you can both eliminate the pressure that she has to orgasm, or that you have to take a long time for foreplay to her when she discovers that she’s just not going to get there this time. Being able to be a part of when her partner’s turned on, and to be the cause of this, is arousing in its own way—even if it does not lead to orgasm for her.
But, how do you do this successfully, without it feeling burdensome or cheesy?
Using nonverbal cues to initiate the sexual dance is a great way to eliminate hurt feelings or rejection, because it allows the other person time to notice and mentally/emotionally prepare for sex later that day. John Gray, Ph.D., suggests using three candles.
You need three candles. Two are the same—one for each of you. The third candle is larger or a different color.
If you’re in the mood you light your candle to let your partner know you’d like to have sex that day. When your partner sees your candle lit, if he or she is not necessarily in the mood and a quickie would suffice, then he/she will respond by just lighting their candle. If your partner sees your lit flame, and he or she would like home-cooked romantic sex then he/she will light his/her candle, and the center candle.
The candle technique respects a woman’s need to take time to be sexually aroused. It also is a great way to playfully get in the mood, or if it’s not happening, to then just be present and a part of the other’s arousal, regardless of whether or not you reach orgasm. It eliminates pressure or the fear of rejection.
It can actually be quite comical when you’re both rushing around taking care of kids, chores, paying bills, getting dinner on the table, everyone bathed, books read, etc., only to have the person that lit the candle realize they forgot or the other person never saw until they’re both diving for the covers. That’s when quickies come into play, or joking that a middle of the night romp by whomever wakes up first might be fun.
This technique really works. Plus, you have the added benefit of lit candles for romance too! Just make sure that you also schedule and plan for romantic sex—with a candlelit dinner, body massages, flowers, etc., too. Having a rich sexual repertoire leads to a deeper level of connection in your relationship, and over the years, naturally evolves into more exploration into the erotic, fantasies, and techniques as our bodies change and life events occur.
For more information on how to implement quickies in your life pick up John Gray’s, Ph.D.’s, Mars and Venus in the Bedroom. And, if you’re pressed for time and you’d like more healthy relationship tips with our eWorkshop: Secrets of Successful Relationships. Just remember that when men hunger for great sex, often women hunger for great romance. We can all achieve a balance of both. By tuning in to our passions, noticing the ebb and flow, and by keeping your sexual energy within your committed, monogamous relationship, you can have a rich sex life that continually makes you fall in love with your partner over and over again.
Lyndsay Katauskas, MEd
Mars Venus Coaching
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