3rd Key To Healing The Hurt

“4 Keys to Healing the Hurt”. We hope you have gotten some good advice and information in the first two emails you received. To review, we highlighted the:

1. Importance of understanding the three stages of healing so that you don’t rush or miss critical stages in the healing process.

2. Importance of understanding the different challenges men and women face when starting over. Learning about both sides is valuable in case you recognize something that applies to you.

Being single again, our lives are suddenly transformed. It is as though we are suddenly faced with the rest of our lives and have no idea what to do. The first step to healing is to obtain a better understanding of why we are reacting the way we are. With this heightened awareness, you can become whole again. So let’s continue, here is the third key to healing the hurt.

Healing our hotspots
Long before the heart if ready to let go, the mind wants to move on. This speedy thinking is fine for the mind, but it is not the way the heart heals. The heart moves much more slowly and its healing is often linked to not only the current hurt, but to some other previous pain. When we experience pain in our lives, often time we are reacting not only to the pain in the present situation, but to unresolved issues in our past. Unconsciously, we link what happened now to some previous situation that had the same (or very similar) emotions. That is one of the reasons why our negative emotions are stronger as time goes by; we are carrying the psychological load of what just occurred to us, plus all the previous pain we haven´t resolved in the past.

Some people, who appear to have let go, sometimes really haven’t. They believe they have successfully moved on, but what they’ve really done is closed the door to their hearts. To avoid feeling their pain, they move on too quickly. And because they moved on so quickly, they’ve numbed their ability to fully feel. Without realizing it, they have also closed their hearts. They carry on in their lives unable to feel love in their hearts. Their ability to grow in love and happiness is stunted.

If you found this information helpful, click the link below to learn more about the complete online video eWorkshop Mars and Venus Starting Over.

LEARN MORE ABOUT THE COMPLETE ONLINE VIDEO eWORKSHOP NOW

Mars and Venus Starting Over is the same life-changing workshop that John Gray and his team of Mars Venus Success coaches have given in-person throughout the world. And now you can benefit from this workshop in the comfort of your own home.

PURCHASE MARS AND VENUS STARTING OVER ONLINE VIDEO eWORKSHOP TODAY!

The Relationships You Want. Start Here.

Sincerely,

Mars Venus Coaching Team

5 Keys To Finding True Love

 

Here is the second installment in the Mars Venus – “5 Keys to Finding True Love”.

Key Two: Understanding Uncertainty

When someone we’re dating becomes more special to us than other people, we often begin to feel uncertain – the surprise to some is that this is perfectly natural. For some people that feeling of uncertainty is like an earthquake and for others it’s just a mild tremor.

We could actually be dating our soul mate, but when we start to feel uncertain, we may not know they are our soul mate. Regardless of whether the person is the wrong one or the right one for us, in stage two we often experience this uncertainty. Unfortunately many singles don’t recognize this as a necessary stage and mistakenly assume that if they are not certain this must not be the right person for them. We often think that if we’ve found the right person, we should ‘just know’.

Men in particular, when he feels uncertain, easily make the mistake of thinking “Well, if I’m not sure, then I should keep looking around.” What you don’t realize is how this simple mistake can stop you from ever finding the confidence to believe that you are with the right person. In stage two the grass can temporarily look greener on the other side of the fence, especially for men. Even if the grass on the other side does begin to look greener, a man’s new objective in this stage is to stop looking at the grass and start digging for the gold on his side of the fence. A man needs to ask himself certain questions in stage two such as, “Could I possibly be the right man for her? Do I want to make her happy? Do I miss her when I am away from her?”

A man’s doubts are dispelled not by what a woman does for him, but by how she responds to what he does for her. In stage two, it is very important for the man to do little things for the woman, so that he can repeatedly test and experience the idea that he has the power to make her happy. Now he can focus on the question, “Am I the right man for her?” and find clarity to move forward into exclusivity or to end the relationship and start again with someone else.

While a man tends to question whether he wants to pursue a relationship, a woman tends to question where the relationship is going. In the uncertainty stage, a woman may begin to panic and ask too many questions or she may try too hard to win him over. Neither of these tactics work. When a man stops pursuing, a woman’s task is to resist the enormous urge to find out what has happened or to do something about it. It is in this stage that the old saying, “absence makes the heart grow fonder” applies. By giving the man space to pull away and then once again become more interested, a woman has the chance to decide if he is the one with whom she would like to have an exclusive relationship.

When a man comes on strong in stage one and then pulls back in stage two, a woman sometimes feels pressure to give back sexually. She hopes that by fulfilling his desires, she will regain his interest. However, by giving more of herself than she is ready to give, she can actually sabotage a relationship. If a woman is not ready, she can still be polite and firmly say no to a man’s sexual advances. In stage two, most men do not expect a woman to be physically intimate; they just hope to get lucky. By clearly realizing she is under no obligation, a woman can begin to freely flirt with men and enjoy receiving what they offer when dating. A friendly smile or a thank you is the perfect compliment when a man gives a gift or is helpful.

Looking around and dating a lot is fine and great when you’ve just started dating, and you’re just feeling attracted. But once you start feeling uncertainty, yet a part of you wants to stick more than just your big toe in the water and prepare yourself to know for sure, this is the time to temporarily stop dating other people and focus your attention on your one special partner. This is the time to make a decision to give the relationship a chance to move to the next key discussed in our next email: Exclusivity.

If you found this information helpful, click the link below to learn more about the complete online video eWorkshop Mars and Venus On a Date.

LEARN MORE ABOUT THE COMPLETE ONLINE VIDEO eWORKSHOP NOW

Mars and Venus On a Date is the same life-changing workshop that John Gray and his team of Mars Venus Success coaches have given in-person throughout the world. And now you can benefit from this workshop in the comfort of your own home.

PURCHASE MARS AND VENUS ON A DATE ONLINE VIDEO eWORKSHOP TODAY!

The Relationships You Want. Start Here.

Sincerely,

Mars Venus Coaching

 

 

Positive Message to Give to Your Children

It’s Okay to Want more..

It is to often thought that giving children permission to want more will make them too demanding or difficult to manage. It is certainly much easier to parent a child who accommodates your every wish and desire, but this child doesn’t get the opportunity to explore and develop his or her own sense of self, unique style, and direction in life. When children get the love and support they need to manage their feeling, giving them permission to want more does not make them demanding or difficult to manage. By wanting more and not getting it, children learn the important skill of delayed gratification and self-discipline.

Some parents worry that it may make their child too selfish. This is true if parents always cave in to their children’s wants and wishes. What spoils children is not getting what they want, but the power to manipulate others by wanting more and throwing tantrums to get it. Children become spoiled and selfish when parents deny their own wants in order to please their children.

To often we give our children the message that they are wrong, selfish, or spoiled for wanting more or for getting upset when they don’t get what they want. In the past, children were to be seen and not heard and then, later in life, they were ignored and overlooked. They were not allowed to ask for more or even to want more.

Today, with positive parenting skills, if we allow our children to want more, they will develop a stronger sense of who they are and what they are here to do in this world.

Mars Venus: Children are from Heaven is the same life-changing, parenting workshop that John Gray and his team of Mars Venus Success coaches have given in-person throughout the world. And now you can benefit from this workshop in the comfort of your own home.

PURCHASE MARS VENUS: CHILDREN ARE FROM HEAVEN ONLINE VIDEO eWORKSHOP

How to Have an Awesome Work Career

I was reflecting on my work career (past, present, and future) this morning and came to the realization that my job is “awesome.” OK, that word is overused, but I have young adult and pre-teen daughters, so I think I understand the different meanings it has, but I’m talking about the old definition of “awesome.” In others words, I enjoy almost every part of what I do for a living, and there is research in work psychology that explains why that is the case. So, here are the elements that make up an “awesome work career,” and some tips on how to get more of those elements in your own work life.

Meaning. An awesome job is one that has meaning. There is a purpose to your work, and you have to find that higher purpose. There is a scene in the movie Cedar Rapids, where Ed Helms’ nerdy character makes insurance sales sound like an uplifting career (“we are the heroes on the disaster scene, working to rebuild lives…”). Even mundane jobs, like customer service can be viewed as having meaning (e.g., helping clients, giving customers a great experience). If you can’t find the meaning in your current job after looking hard, it may be time to look hard for a new career.

Accomplishment. Choose a career where you can accomplish things, take pride in those accomplishments, and celebrate them. I take pride when I publish a paper, give a great lecture, or finish a blog post. The pride comes from readers and students who comment favorably on my accomplishments, and I’ve been known to celebrate with a glass of wine.

My friend Carlos makes car-racing accessories. He takes pride in the fact that he can build better quality accessories, and do them quicker, than anyone else at his company. I tell our college students to accomplish something at their summer internships – a project, a report, or helping run a successful event. If their internship doesn’t require it, I suggest they talk to their supervisor about taking on some extra, challenging project, perhaps one that the supervisor hasn’t had time to complete. It makes for a better internship experience to accomplish something that makes a distinct contribution, and the same goes for every job.

Positive Relationships. Nothing can make a career more awesome than working with terrific people, and building strong and rewarding relationships with them. I’m fortunate to have amazing, talented, and (yes) awesome students. I get to meet and network with wonderful clients in my consulting work, and I have some of the best research collaborators anyone could hope for. And, I try to steer clear of the bad relationships – those that can make your job an ordeal, and make you question yourself and your career choice.

Research clearly shows that relationships at work can be the greatest source of pleasure or the most tormenting source of pain and stress. Cultivate positive relationships and work hard to avoid the bad relationships (previous posts offer help in dealing with bullies and bad colleagues and bosses).

Balance. Very few people can have awesome careers if their lives revolve entirely around their jobs. An awesome career is one that allows time for family, friends, and the ability to pursue non-work-related interests. I often talk to people who are unhappy because their jobs consume all of their time and energy. Some of them change to careers that allow greater balance and flexibility, and although there are tradeoffs (e.g., less money, prestige, or a slower ride up the ladder). I rarely hear any regrets from them.

Does good fortune play a part in someone having an awesome career? To some extent. But it is more likely that people have to plan, make tough strategic career decisions, and work hard to make their career awesome.

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Published by Ronald E. Riggio, Ph.D.

Power Connects People

When you think about people who are strongly driven to acquire power, what kinds of things do you imagine they are after? Is power about having: influence over others, money, status, glory, independence, self-confidence?

Popular stories in our culture like to distinguish power seekers from relationship seekers—people whose primary motivation is to foster connections and intimacy with others. The power and relationship motives are usually depicted as incompatible, where power is achieved at the expense of having relationships. As prime examples, think about the main characters in films like Citizen Kane, Scarface, and The Social Network. These stories tell us that power seeking is driven by self-centered ambitions, and as long as this motive is strong, the relationship seeking motive will be weak.

We forget that the rewards of power and the rewards of relationships overlap. We forget that power connects people to one another, and the more powerful person usually reaps the rewards of these relationships. Having power means having favorable connections to others.

Imagine a typical power imbalance in the workplace. A company hires two people to run a newly-created department at the company: Mr. Alpha is brought in to head the new department and Mr. Beta is hired as second in command. Mr. Alpha is given the power to fire and/or promote Mr. Beta, making Mr. Beta dependent on Mr. Alpha’s approval. Their jobs have established this connection between them, and we can be fairly certain that their interactions will be more pleasant for Mr. Alpha than Mr. Beta. Mr. Beta will be more accommodating, deferential, and experience more anxiety about saying or doing the wrong things.

As it happens, Mr. Alpha has relocated from across the country to take this job, and feels isolated in his new city. Mr. Alpha’s not a bad guy, but he insists that he and Mr. Beta take all their coffee breaks and go out on all sales calls together, just so Mr. Alpha can have the interpersonal contact. Mr. Beta goes along without complaining. After a few weeks Mr. Alpha begins to feel less isolated in his surroundings, having established some camaraderie.

In power imbalances, the more powerful person can usually set the terms of the relationship and build rapport without much resistance. This may not create close authentic bonds, but don’t underestimate the appeal of casual interactions with people who are courteous and attentive to you. These interactions should be especially appealing to men, who tend to be more satisfied with shallow relationships than women.

The point is that these relationships can be rewarding, and ultimately strengthen the allure of power. For some people, the promise of social connections may even be the hidden force behind their desire for power, especially for people who have trouble establishing connections under normal circumstances.

So even though the search for power and relationships are often portrayed as competing goals, it’s rarely that simple. Selfish goals may navigate the pursuit of power, but the motivation to connect with others is stronger than it seems, stronger than even the seeker realizes.

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Published by Ilan Shrira

 

Are You a Skilled Social Actor or a Social Chameleon?

We all engage in impression management – trying to put our best foot forward and “fit in” in social situations. Two psychological constructs address how people “perform” in social situations, and there are subtle, but important, differences.

The first construct is called Self-Monitoring, and it is the ability to read social cues and alter one’s behavior in order to try to “fit in” to a specific social situation. Often the high self-monitor controls his or her behavior in order to impress others or to receive others’ social approval. Low self-monitors, on the other hand, are less concerned with self-presentation and are more likely to express their true attitudes and feelings, regardless of the social circumstances (think about someone who expresses their true political feelings regardless of who they are interacting with, versus the high self-monitor who sizes up the crowd [liberal vs. conservative?] before sharing, or not sharing, political opinions).

The second construct is called Social Control, and is skill in social acting. Persons high on social control are also able to control and manage their impressions, but they are not as highly affected by the social situation. Instead, the high social control individual possesses a social self-confidence and poise that allows him or her to be effective in a wide variety of social situations. Instead of the high self-monitor’s tendency to “blend in,” the person high in Social Control tends to stand out in a positive manner.

Our research has found that individuals who possess a great deal of Social Control, and who are also expressive and outgoing, are more likely to be perceived as potential leaders, and to lead social groups. High self-monitors are also likely to be chosen as leaders because they represent the “prototype” of a group leader (because they fit in).

One problem with the high self-monitor is that in the desire to fit in with the group and gain their approval, the person may become a sort of “social chameleon,” changing attitudes, opinions, and feelings in an effort to fit in and be accepted. From a leadership perspective, this can mean the leader is highly sensitive and responsive to the social climate (and the leader changes views depending on the crowd, and may appear “wishy-washy”). Socially, the extremely high self-monitor fits in, but we never get a sense of who the social chameleon really is or what he or she believes in and stands for.

On the other hand, the person who is extremely high on social control moves confidently forward, and works to bring others along with him or her. The downside of too much social control, however, can be a sort of arrogance born of the supreme self-confidence that the individual possesses. Social control thus needs to be balanced with a sensitivity to others, and consideration of their opinions and feelings.

So, where do you fall on these two dimensions?

Here are some sample items from the Self-Monitoring Scale (agreeing suggests high self-monitoring):

• In different situations and with different people, I often act like very different persons.

• Even if I am not enjoying myself, I often pretend to be having a good time.

• When I am uncertain how to act in a social situation, I look to the behavior of others for cues.

Here are some sample items from the Social Control scale (again, agreeing suggests high social control):

• I can fit in with all types of people, young and old, rich and poor.

• People from different backgrounds seem to feel comfortable around me.

• I can very easily adjust to being in almost any social situation.

 

Published by Ronald E. Riggio, Ph.D.

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References

Riggio, Ronald (1987). The Charisma Quotient. New York: Dodd Mead.

Riggio, Ronald, Riggio, H., Salinas, C., & Cole, E. (2003). The role of social and emotional communication skills in leader emergence and effectiveness. Group Dynamics, 7, 83-103.

Snyder, Mark (1987). Public Appearances/Private Realities: The Psychology of Self-Monitoring. San Francisco: Freeman.

Snyder, Mark & Gangestad, S. (2000). Self-monitoring: Appraisal and reappraisal. Psychological Bulletin, 126(4), 530-555.

 

How To Follow Your Passion When You’re Just Trying To Pay The Bills

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During tough economic times, many people think they need to sacrifice passion and focus solely on earning money. From a spiritual perspective, this is the exact opposite approach to generating real abundance. Yes, paying your bills takes practical action. But it also requires an internal belief system powered by inspiration and passion. Without an emphasis on passion, it’s likely that no matter how many actions you take, you’ll still wind up feeling stuck.

Neglecting passion blocks creative flow. When you’re passionate, you’re energized. Likewise, when you lack passion, your energy is low and unproductive. Energy is everything when it comes to earning. Quantum physics teaches us that our bodies are made up of subatomic particles that are energy. Your thoughts, attention, and focus affect your energy and therefore everything around you—including your bank account. So when you’re thinking only about the mundane to-do lists and practical action steps, you’re lowering your energy and in effect lowering your earning power.

Your life becomes what you think about most. When you focus on following your passion and letting inspiration flow, your energy is raised and your earning capacity is strong. But when you’re uninspired and bogged down by low-level thoughts, your attracting power is weakened.

Now that you have a better understanding of the earning value of passionate, positive energy, it’s time to take it more seriously. Read on for three simple, effective ways you can bring more passion into your life—even if you’re crazy-busy.

Who said your job had to be your only source of passion?

Our culture places such a huge emphasis on our careers, that we lose track of our passion projects. But who said your job had to be your only source of passion? A dear friend of mine is a powerful example of balancing passion and career. He works in corporate America, but moonlights as a guitar player. Though he spends his weekdays at a desk, he spends his weekends indulging his passion projects such as gigging with his band, writing, drawing, and learning about art. Though he dedicates a lot of his time to his career, there is no lack of passion in his life.

The passion of being of service

When we’re of service to the world, we feel inspired and passionate about the work that we do. Perhaps the work you’re doing is service-related—getting clear about the ways in which it serves the world may make you more passionate about it. If that’s not the case with your job, maybe you volunteer for a local charity once a month, or find a way to participate in your community, or promote bigger causes. Awaken a service mentality. When you serve the world, you serve your soul.

Shift your perception about the way you make money

If you’re hung up about the fact that your primary source of revenue doesn’t come from your true passion, shift your perspective. Be grateful for the work that you have and focus on the good stuff. Find even the smallest part of your work that ignites your passion. Maybe you love interacting with clients, or the neighborhood where you work. Maybe you’re learning something new by being on that job. Focus on what you do have and you’ll create more of what you want.

Take these action steps seriously. We all have work to do to support our economy, and if we’re void of passion we won’t have the energy and inspiration to serve. The more passion we ignite in our lives, the higher our earning capacity will be and the more we’ll impact financial growth in our country. When we all raise our thoughts we’ll raise our bank accounts—and greatly serve the world.

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Gabrielle Bernstein |

Featured in the New York Times Sunday Styles section as “a new role model,” motivational speaker, life coach, and author Gabrielle Bernstein is making her mark. Expanding the lexicon for the next generation of spiritual seekers, Gabrielle is the #1 bestselling author of the book, Add More ~ing to Your Life, A hip Guide to Happiness. In September 2011 Gabrielle launched her second book, Spirit Junkie, A Radical Road to Self-Love and Miracles. In 2008 she launched her social networking site HerFuture.com for young women to find mentors.

From Tunnel Vision To Your Ultimate Vision [BLOG]

 

 

“We do not see things as they are, we see things as we are.”
—Anaïs Nin

I’m a huge advocate for living a life beyond your wildest dreams, but I also know there are some potential pitfalls on the journey.

Having a vision is a powerful tool. It means that you are honoring your goals, aspiring toward them, and taking risks to expand your horizons. Sometimes our visions for ourselves subtly turn into tunnel vision. We can’t see anything that contradicts our intentions and desires. We get selective perception, which limits our ability to remain open and to see things clearly. Instead of being present to our reality while we pursue our heart’s desire, we put the blinders on and barrel ahead toward our hopes and dreams.

There is a shadow side to almost every positive thing we can do for ourselves, including having a vision. It’s important to be aware of this distinction. All spiritual and psychological tools can be used in a “willful” way. For example, sometimes self-care is actually about taking care of ourselves: unplugging from too much work and plugging into more balance and harmony. But sometimes, under the guise of self-care, we are really just checking out: denying what’s happening and how scary it feels to show up for it. So, how do we know the difference? How do we know when we are pursuing our vision in a manner that is actually in alignment with our intentions?

Tension in the Tunnel

Tension usually crops up when we are stuck in the tunnel—it takes a lot of effort to keep the blinders on. For me, the tension often shows up in the form of a headache. For others, there might be similar physical cues, such as stomach- or back-aches, getting sick, or feeling lethargic. Some people find themselves to be more irritable or short-tempered. When we aren’t looking at the big picture of our reality, our emotional bandwidth tends to shrink. This happens because everything becomes limited in the tunnel—not just our vision. I don’t know about you, but when I’m stuck in a tunnel, I can get a little cranky. What are your personal cues that suggest you might be denying aspects of your own reality?

Fear in the Tunnel

There are reasons that we aren’t looking at the big picture, many of which boil down to fear. “What if I leave this relationship and I’m alone forever?” “What if I open this piece of mail and find out that I owe more money than I have in the bank?” “What if I take this day-job and I never get the job of my dreams?” Our response to these fears can be “No thanks, I’ll stay here in the tunnel, where it feels safe.” The blinders go up and we clamp down, even harder.

Denial is not a Tunnel in Egypt

The problem is that denial may feel safe, but it’s an illusion. Whether or not you open that mail or take that job, you still have bills to pay—and we have to take responsibility for ourselves in the present, even as we are building the life we ultimately envision.

The Light at the End of Tunnel

If you are still with me on this tunnel metaphor, here is where it gets good. I grew up in Colorado where there are some amazing tunnels going straight through the mountains. Perhaps you have driven through one yourself, or you can imagine it right now. As you are driving, you move into a cold and dark, fear-filled tin can. The echo is staggering and yet everything seems so quiet. You can’t see two feet in front of yourself without your headlights. Then, suddenly, you find yourself entering into a picture postcard. The sunlight pierces through the windshield and warms your heart as you are greeted with breathtaking, majestic vistas. Let that experience be your teacher and your inspiration. When we move through small, contained ideas of what we think we want—what we think will make us happy and safe—we are brought to extraordinary and expansive beauty. Removing the blinders is like seeing in color for the first time. Tunnel vision is rigid and constraining, while remaining open is fluid and liberating.

Ultimately, moving out of the tunnel is about finding clarity, even if it feels terrifying—at least it is true. And reality begets more reality, and the opportunity to make it the best reality you can. I’ll never tell you to give up on the dream. I believe there is a reason that you have the dream to begin with. I will tell you that the best way to get there is to start from where you are, from the fullness of your situation. To look around and truly see, feel, and experience what is happening in your life. Accept your current circumstances and then take mindful action. If we are in the middle of the tunnel, we don’t get to the beauty on the other side by wishful thinking or burying our head in the sand—we get there by taking one deliberate step at a time.

I’d love to hear how have you have moved through your own tunnels. How did you get stuck, and what enabled you to move through? What did you discover when you surrendered your limited vision? I know that oftentimes people find a “picture postcard” that they never would have if they had held on to that tin can they used to believe was the shiniest and most precious thing they ever could have wished for.

Ingrid Mathieu, Ph.D.

Ingrid Mathieu, PhD is a psychotherapist and author of Recovering Spirituality. You can connect with her on Facebook and Twitter.

 

Shiny Happy People At Work [BLOG]

 

It’s been quite some time since I actually worked in an office, but I still remember it like it was yesterday.  The room layout, the florescent lights, my cubicle partners, the weekly birthday celebrations complete with sheet cakes and balloons.  Although I have been an entrepreneur for over 10 years, I have fond memories of my work experience and I wouldn’t change a moment of it.  Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t always rosy; in fact, I was fired from my first real job.

Boy was that a painful experience!  Fresh out of college and working for Capitol Records as an assistant in the International Marketing Department, I was going to weekly concerts, meeting recording artists and having the time of my life.  That was the fun part.  The work part was a little more difficult.  My assistant skills were slim at best and I had a female boss who was less than friendly.  Everything I did was wrong and she was always correcting me.  The straw that finally broke the camel’s back was when I went over my boss’ head to her superior to ask special permission for something that she said no to.  Needless to say, it did not end well. I did, however, learn a valuable lesson that has stuck with me to this day and that is to be deferential to your superiors, especially your immediate boss!

Why am I telling you this story?  Because even though I got fired in the end, I realized that I truly enjoyed working! I liked dressing for work, I appreciated interacting with my co-workers, I relished in meeting the clients and I appreciated the sense of accomplishment I felt at the end of the day.  Sound familiar?  For many people, this is not the tune they sing.  Theirs is more of a solemn tune of drudgery filled with sayings that start with “Ugh, do I have to go to work today?” or “Is tomorrow really Monday? I think I’ll call in sick.”

Since we spend so many of our waking hours at the office, it behooves us to invest a little more effort into putting on a shiny, happy face for work.  It can be your greatest asset!  A good attitude is integral to any office environment whether it consists of 2 workers or 200.  Turning a negative attitude into a positive one can help you make the most of your workday.  Here are a few workplace etiquette tips we hope will help keep things peaceful and positive in your work environment.

Wrap Up Your Troubles

Pack up your troubles in a nice box, wrap them with a bow and set the imaginary package on a shelf in your home. Everyone has a certain amount of stress that they can’t seem to shake. The daily pressures of living in today’s world can bring about a whole host of physical and mental problems that can cause loss of concentration, scattered thoughts and general lack of focus at work.  The act of putting our troubles away before we leave the house frees us of that heavy weight and allows for a much more positive atmosphere at work.

Make A Conscious Effort

The word “work” may conjure up images that are less than desirable, but they don’t have to be debilitating.  If we take on the mindset of putting 100% effort into our performance at work, the day will automatically go more smoothly.  Get in the habit of displaying impeccable work habits, arriving on time, working to your full potential and staying focused and you will be surprised at the great things you can achieve.

Give Co-workers Their Space

There’s been a great deal of talk about cubicle etiquette and allowing our colleagues their space even if they are not surrounded by four walls.  This is an important point that many do not take into consideration and can raise the tension level at work. So be considerate of your co-worker and (a) don’t enter another person’s cubicle unless you are invited, (b) refrain from interrupting a person who is on the phone, (c) be mindful of conducting loud conversations, and (d) avoid applying strong perfumes and eating pungent foods.  Bear in mind that your cubicle is a direct reflection of you. Keep it neat and orderly and be respectful of others.

Be A Team Player

As the saying goes, there is no “I” in team.  When you arrive at work, it is much easier to be cooperative, kind and patient towards others than it is to remain solitary.  Support your colleagues by asking their input and valuing their remarks.  Be a problem solver by offering to assist wherever help is needed. Refrain from gossip or slander and keep private matters confidential.  Act as a source of encouragement to everyone and pay deference to your superiors.  These characteristics will not only classify you as a dependable worker, but they may also result in greater opportunities for advancement.

Guarantee Job Security

A bad attitude can lead to permanent repercussions. In today’s highly competitive marketplace, one cannot afford to be branded as difficult or sensitive.  If there is a particular struggle at work, nip it in the bud by giving others the benefit of the doubt or letting things roll off your shoulders once in a while.  Taking steps to improve your disposition will lead to a much more positive outcome and make you a valuable asset rather than a disposable liability.

Now, we know it is virtually impossible to be the happy, peppy face of positivity all the time.  At one point or other, you are bound to hit a wall at work. When this happens, acknowledge it, take a few deep breaths and remember you have the power within you to turn it around.  If all else fails, put on a smile and fake it till you make it.  Eventually, you will lighten up and all will be well again.

 

Lisa Gache  /  Beverly Hills Manners’ CEO, Lisa Gaché, is one of the foremost etiquette, manners and life skills experts.  Her educational and entertainment company, founded in 2006, is recognized for its new school approach.  Lisa has appeared in the media and contributed to various outlets, including CNN, NPR, “The Today Show,” KTLA-TV, Radio Disney, Woman’s Day, USA Today, The Los Angeles Times, The New York Post and The New York Daily News.  Her contributions to blogs and websites range from the Los Angeles Times, AOL, The Huffington Post and Weddzilla.  Gaché has also been a guest expert on number of reality shows including VH1’s “Charm School” and Discovery Channel’s “Living with Ed.”

 

The Influences of Your Work Style

Although it’s important for you to understand the different work styles of your employees so you can support them, it’s also critical for you to understand your own work style. Are you creative? Structured? Wedded to your job? Resentful of the time your job keeps you from other activities? If you’re not sure, look around you. What do you see in your employees? While each person has a unique work style, like attracts like. People tend to be drawn to people who are like them, which is as true in the workplace as anywhere else. All other qualifications being equal, you’re more likely to hire someone you feel has something in common with you than someone who is clearly your opposite.

You might be a creative free spirit overseeing the work of people who prefer structure, not well-suited for the level of detail managing these employees requires — or the reverse. Be honest with yourself about your work style and your expectations. If you are not a good fit for your managerial duties or are in over your head, you and your employees will suffer. Pursue options that better match your abilities.

Sometimes remaining fair across work styles means separating out the accomplishments, both real and potential, of employees from your own values and standards. You might be pretty loose when it comes to the structure of your workday, content to work late all week and then take Friday afternoon off. Yet you might have employees who insist on leaving right at the stroke of five, regardless of what activity engages them when the workday officially ends.

As frustrating as this may be within the context of your work style, it’s important to shift your perceptions into the employee’s work style. If this person is incredibly productive during the workday, then it’s only fair for you to acknowledge this. You can’t expect your employees to behave like you do, or only reward them when they do. Fairness also means being able to respect and reward people for what and who they are, not what you want them to be.

Your personal work style forms the platform from which you accommodate other work styles. Yes, it’s a bias. But it’s where we all start. The key to being successful as a manager is to move beyond square one. Once you understand what your work style is, it’s easier to understand differing work styles. The only way to appreciate differences is to understand them. Then you can truly manage by building on people’s strengths and minimizing their weaknesses. And you can learn from your employees, so you too can grow and evolve.

by Gary McClain, Ph.D., and Deborah S. Romaine

 

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