Here is the second installment in the Mars Venus – “5 Keys to Finding True Love”.
Key Two: Understanding Uncertainty
When someone we’re dating becomes more special to us than other people, we often begin to feel uncertain – the surprise to some is that this is perfectly natural. For some people that feeling of uncertainty is like an earthquake and for others it’s just a mild tremor.
We could actually be dating our soul mate, but when we start to feel uncertain, we may not know they are our soul mate. Regardless of whether the person is the wrong one or the right one for us, in stage two we often experience this uncertainty. Unfortunately many singles don’t recognize this as a necessary stage and mistakenly assume that if they are not certain this must not be the right person for them. We often think that if we’ve found the right person, we should ‘just know’.
Men in particular, when he feels uncertain, easily make the mistake of thinking “Well, if I’m not sure, then I should keep looking around.” What you don’t realize is how this simple mistake can stop you from ever finding the confidence to believe that you are with the right person. In stage two the grass can temporarily look greener on the other side of the fence, especially for men. Even if the grass on the other side does begin to look greener, a man’s new objective in this stage is to stop looking at the grass and start digging for the gold on his side of the fence. A man needs to ask himself certain questions in stage two such as, “Could I possibly be the right man for her? Do I want to make her happy? Do I miss her when I am away from her?”
A man’s doubts are dispelled not by what a woman does for him, but by how she responds to what he does for her. In stage two, it is very important for the man to do little things for the woman, so that he can repeatedly test and experience the idea that he has the power to make her happy. Now he can focus on the question, “Am I the right man for her?” and find clarity to move forward into exclusivity or to end the relationship and start again with someone else.
While a man tends to question whether he wants to pursue a relationship, a woman tends to question where the relationship is going. In the uncertainty stage, a woman may begin to panic and ask too many questions or she may try too hard to win him over. Neither of these tactics work. When a man stops pursuing, a woman’s task is to resist the enormous urge to find out what has happened or to do something about it. It is in this stage that the old saying, “absence makes the heart grow fonder” applies. By giving the man space to pull away and then once again become more interested, a woman has the chance to decide if he is the one with whom she would like to have an exclusive relationship.
When a man comes on strong in stage one and then pulls back in stage two, a woman sometimes feels pressure to give back sexually. She hopes that by fulfilling his desires, she will regain his interest. However, by giving more of herself than she is ready to give, she can actually sabotage a relationship. If a woman is not ready, she can still be polite and firmly say no to a man’s sexual advances. In stage two, most men do not expect a woman to be physically intimate; they just hope to get lucky. By clearly realizing she is under no obligation, a woman can begin to freely flirt with men and enjoy receiving what they offer when dating. A friendly smile or a thank you is the perfect compliment when a man gives a gift or is helpful.
Looking around and dating a lot is fine and great when you’ve just started dating, and you’re just feeling attracted. But once you start feeling uncertainty, yet a part of you wants to stick more than just your big toe in the water and prepare yourself to know for sure, this is the time to temporarily stop dating other people and focus your attention on your one special partner. This is the time to make a decision to give the relationship a chance to move to the next key discussed in our next email: Exclusivity.
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